bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
