I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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