my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i will never coherently bang her
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
