Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
