I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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