So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
