I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
