Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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