I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize