What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
