it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
please come you make the beer taste better
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
