there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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