i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
