First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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