dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
