so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
