VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
