In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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