This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
