Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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