My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
