had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
