He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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