i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize