My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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