by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
