This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
