im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
