having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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