I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
