got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
