She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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