I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
