I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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