I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
