I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
