wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
