I didn't shave. On purpose
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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