I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
