the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
