Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
