9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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