What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want to fling myself into the sun
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
