I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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