I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
