don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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