so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
