We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
