Will you blow on my dice?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
