just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
