Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
