I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
