I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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