grandma shit on top of the toilet
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
