k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
