can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As shirtless as possible
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
