I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
