so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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