Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
