Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
