New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
