I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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