dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize